Upset with my mom

[jerseygal]

This is just a rant. I love my mom, but she really hurt my feelings recently and I'm not sure how to handle similar comments from other family members.

I'm 27. I have been in college for nine years. I wanted to finish long ago, but it's just been a money issue. I have always had to rely on loans, grants, scholarships, and paying out of pocket. Then I decided to switch majors a few years ago. I knew I'd have to retake some courses to satisfy the degree requirements, and that's what I've been doing. Every semester, I pay out of pocket at a community college and I also work full-time. Some semesters I haven't been able to take classes due to money. I hope to transfer into an actual local university next year to complete my Bachelors. At the moment I'm just trying to get my pre-reqs done as cheaply as possible.

Anyway, today my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that honestly the only thing I wanted was an access code for one of my classes. She made a comment about me being a "career student". Ugh. She knows I'm sensitive about being called that. Her and other family members have made remarks like that too. "You STILL aren't done with school?" "You'll be 90 by the time you finish." "Why don't you have twenty degrees by now?". It's just SO incredibly annoying.

It's more disappointing coming from my mom because she knows that it's something that I struggle with. Yet she just makes unnecessary comments and then laughs it off. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't have to struggle so much had she and my dad saved money for me to go, but I didn't. And I know that's a horrible way to think. Going to college is a privilege, not a right but I still couldn't help but think it. I'm just trying to earn a degree so I can get a better job and live a more comfortable life. (and hopefully add in more Disney vacations!)

This is just a rant. I have no idea what to say when my family says things like this.

Personally, I think your Mom's comments are insensitive and hurtful. Perhaps that you should communicate your feelings about her comments. Stay on course, sounds like you are very dedicated. Hope that you can get your degree soon and find a satisfying career!

 

[dish rag]

Are you still living in her home? You are in the age group that's been coddled. Toughen up some, if this bothers you just wait to see what real life throws at you. By the way, your mother has a point.

 

[Wishing on a star]

We do not know whether the OP lives at home.
We do not know what her intended degree and future employment plans are.
We do not know what other steps the OP might have taken towards actually making graduation and future employment might be.

All of these are very valid questions, which that OP has (very carefully?) declined to address.
I do see some concerns there.

But, without better details, throwing out 'coddled' and 'toughen up' are not helpful at the most, and very inappropriate at the very least.

At the end of the day, the OP does need to move forward with their life, and not be so vested and involved and worried about what her mother says.

 

[Boardwalk Jedi]

Just do what you have to do to get through this. Sometimes loved ones are the least encouraging for reasons I don't get. You are working full time and putting yourself through school which is very admirable. Some people have to put others down to feel better about themselves and some people do it because they are threatened. Keep going. Get your degree!

 

[Boardwalk Jedi]

Are you still living in her home? You are in the age group that's been coddled. Toughen up some, if this bothers you just wait to see what real life throws at you. By the way, your mother has a point.

Also OP. Ignore the judgements of ignorant grouchy old people who rattle on about how they younger generation is "coddled" while ignoring just how expensive college has gotten.

 

[TheConsciousness]

Lot of jealous people who didn't go to college in here. Just remember, you care so much that you took the time to post that you didn't care. You need to talk to someone who will listen, because it seems to be eating away at you.

 

[tcufrog]

Are you still living in her home? You are in the age group that's been coddled. Toughen up some, if this bothers you just wait to see what real life throws at you. By the way, your mother has a point.

Wow. Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? That's exceptionally rude and the opposite of helpful.

 

[Hikergirl]

Lot of jealous people who didn't go to college in here. Just remember, you care so much that you took the time to post that you didn't care. You need to talk to someone who will listen, because it seems to be eating away at you.

This is what they call projecting. You may want to talk to someone about what is eating away at you.

 

[GreatLakes]

No I wouldn't say anything like that.

Your parents don't 'owe' you college and you even said it yourself that college was a privilage.

Many many individuals go to college and earn degrees and without parental assistance.


Now onto your mom's comments. I completely understand being hurt by them. It's not polite at all to make comments like she has nor for anyone else to do so. It's rude and more disrespectful when someone has already said they don't like those comments plus adding in things like where you work (or could work don't know for sure if you're working at a gas station or not by your comment) and that you should have X number of degrees by now.

I would say maybe now you might need to just be more firm. Even something like "Mom it really hurts me when you said offhanded comments like this. I may be doing college at a slower pace but I'm trying to do it without taking on debt while working full time to do so. I realize that changing my majors extended my time but I'm willing to put in the hard work to make X degree and to further my career. I would appreciate it if you would't say any more comments regarding my time as a college student." Just thinking out loud of ways to say it.

For a while I joked off the "when are you going to have kids" questions/comments I would get from my mom, my father-in-law, my step-father-in-law and random people. Eventually I decided enough was enough and I had a firm but respectful way of saying "stop asking me that" Sometimes people don't truly know how hurtful things can be until you let them really see how it impacts you.

This is very good advice. I don't really know the dynamic of you and your mom but it could be that she is cold and heartless, clueless, or that she is just joking and doesn't really know how you feel. It is just as likely a communication issue as her being purposefully hurtful. Just because you told her how you feel doesn't mean she really heard it if you know what I mean. Taking any of this passive-aggressive advice is not going to improve the communication either.

I had to pay my way through college while working so I know it can be hard but I never felt like my parent's "owed" me any help and don't feel resentment that they didn't/couldn't contribute. I will tell you that when you are done you feel a sense of accomplishment that is only really possible when you do something yourself. That isn't to say going to school on someone else's dime and succeeding isn't an accomplishment. It is just a different feeling IMO.

 

[okeydokey]

Your parents are not paying for your classes so they get no say in what you take or when. Honestly, it is none of their business and you do not owe them a discussion about it.

 

[Scifidiner]

As someone who paid their own way through school and it took twice as long as normal, I understand. Quite honestly I don't remember anyone ever making a comment to me about this, I think everyone knew better. If mom was funding this venture she could say something. If not I would turn the tables on her and say something like "Since I am having to pay my own way I'm doing the best I can. If you'd like to help me pay for my education, like most parents do, then you could give me your opinion, until then keep it to yourself." Good luck, be patient you'll get there.

 

[princesspiglet]

I completely understand as I went through the same situation with my dad. It took me 6 years to finish college, I was a double major with a minor. I swear, every day my dad would say, "Are you STILL in college? WTH is taking you so long?" Mind you, I was paying for it myself also. I finally had enough one day and said, "Oh I'm sorry, how long did it take you to get your two Bachelor degrees?" After that, he never said another word to me as he didn't even go to college!

 

[OhDannyBoy]

It took me this long to realize that most people who don't go to college are both: (a) usually VERY jealous, people will beat themselves up the entire rest of their lives because they didn't attend college

That a bit of a broad stroke. I never went to college, make more money than my wife who has 2 degrees, and aside from my mortgage, have 0 debt. By the time I was 24, while college kids were still living in their dorms having no idea about the real world, I was working full time and paying for 100% of anything and everything I had. At 30 I bought my second house.

Different strokes for different folks dingus.

and (b) have no idea the amount of time and dedication it takes to complete these classes. Think about it, after high school, people have their whole lives ahead of them to go to work, come home and watch TV, go to sleep, and then repeat. There is nothing strenuous about their lives, so they have no clue what you're going through.

Yeah struggling to keep my electric on and not being sure if I can eat this week wasn't strenuous at all. From 18 until 23 my life was nothing but strenuous.

No offense, but a comment like this gives the appearance of you never having to struggle at all and having no clue what it is like. Or perhaps forgetting. I'm guessing you are either trolling or are out of touch with how it works now with college degrees and the debt they incur.

I don't knock those who go to college. It is difficult and requires a good amount of discipline for sure and it's becoming more and more difficult to make it without a degree. But I'm far from jealous. In fact I pity a lot of these kids who come out of college with a 4 year degree and have to work at Starbuck's or who realize the job market might now be what they thought and can't find work in their given field. They were told their whole lives if you do X you will get Y. Now they work in retail for $30k a year because they lack any real skills outside of being a good student or have 0 experience. And to top it off they have a mountain of debt that continues to take on mounting interest.

I personally advocate for graduating high school and experiencing life before you go to college. How the hell do you know what you want to do with your life at 18? Go work somewhere and figure out if you like it. If you do, pursue that. If not, move on. At least this way you acquire some real work experience.

My wife went to college right from high school, got a bachelor's in psychology, and worked at Starbuck's for 2 years. Then at a bank. She realized she hated that and made the decision to go back at 27 to get her nursing degree. She's now an RN working on her Masters in nursing.

Lot of jealous people who didn't go to college in here. Just remember, you care so much that you took the time to post that you didn't care. You need to talk to someone who will listen, because it seems to be eating away at you.

Actually I just took the time to point out how moronic you sound. I guess whatever schooling you had didn't teach you humility or common sense.

 

[OhDannyBoy]

Sorry OP to derail.

I know it's easier said than done, but screw what anyone else thinks. People will be people. This includes parents. Do what you need to do and forget the rest.

 

[Dancind]

As the Mom of a 20 something daughter, first let me say
You're doing great, sweetie.

Oddly enough, Moms often say stupid things. Guilty. And I've been told MYOB, I'm an adult, that hurt my feelings, at various times. Of course, later I get asked for help with Vet bills or something. Anyway, honesty helps relationships even though Mom might get huffy at first.

Call her, tell her that comment hurt your feelings. Because your definition of Career Student is someone who goes to school for years on their parent's dime. Which is not you. And that if you could, you would go full time and finish. And you love her, but you wish she would be more supportive sometimes. Then say goodbye and let her think about it for a while.

Of course, I'm assuming you want to maintain a good relationship with your parents. If my daughter asked for help to take some classes I would (privately) jump for joy. And then make her pay for the first ones herself to make sure she's serious.

 

[dish rag]

Also OP. Ignore the judgements of ignorant grouchy old people who rattle on about how they younger generation is "coddled" while ignoring just how expensive college has gotten.

Wow. Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? That's exceptionally rude and the opposite of helpful.

No, having a great day, I usually do. Nothing wrong with my statement. If she/he is hurt by the mothers truthful comment, she/he is going to have a tough time in adulthood, which by the way 27 is very well into adulthood.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

If OP wasn't working full time, I might agree with you. But seeing as she is working full time and doing school as best she can in addition to working, then I don't think it's accurate to say she's a career student. I've known people who were in school for years and years but never worked. I think of them more as career students. But if you're trying to get a degree or degrees, it's necessary to go to school and plug away at it; there's no way around that.

I agree. Someone working full time would almost always need more time to graduate. Someone going to school full time (either while not working or working a part time job) would expect to finish pre-reqs for a BA in about 2 years of community college. So you could expect that to stretch to 4 years for someone working full time. The OP has been going to community college to NINE years trying to finish pre-reqs to move on to a university for a bachelor's. I'd expect to get some kidding or comments from friends and family for those circumstances. I'm not saying they are BAD, but just unusual and unconventional.

 

[Hikergirl]

I agree. Someone working full time would almost always need more time to graduate. Someone going to school full time (either while not working or working a part time job) would expect to finish pre-reqs for a BA in about 2 years of community college. So you could expect that to stretch to 4 years for someone working full time. The OP has been going to community college to NINE years trying to finish pre-reqs to move on to a university for a bachelor's. I'd expect to get some kidding or comments from friends and family for those circumstances. I'm not saying they are BAD, but just unusual and unconventional.

The OP said she switched her major and had to re-take some classes so I'm sure that played in to the time it is taking her to get all her pre- reqs in order to transfer. Depending on what she changed her major too, it can be like starting over completely.

My family (and dh's) have kind of a warped sense of humor and do razz each other over things from time to time so I understand that some family dynamics are like that. In the OP's case she says that her mom knows she is sensitive about being called, or thought of as a career student, so that should be enough for her mother to keep her mouth shut about it. The fact that she says stuff knowing how the OP feels means she's being hurtful on purpose IMO.

 

[Boardwalk Jedi]

No, having a great day, I usually do. Nothing wrong with my statement. If she/he is hurt by the mothers truthful comment, she/he is going to have a tough time in adulthood, which by the way 27 is very well into adulthood.

She's working full time and attending school. I'd say she's doing fine as an adult. And she's not bitter and rude like you are....so she's doing alright.

 

[disykat]

Your parents are not paying for your classes so they get no say in what you take or when. Honestly, it is none of their business and you do not owe them a discussion about it.

Amend this to if your parents are not supporting you in any way then they get no say and you'll probably find a lot of agreement to that. I'm going to assume that OP lives independently at this point, but quite often college students whose parents aren't paying tuition are still supporting them financially in other ways and they DO get a say IMO.

Off topic, but I've seen college kids who have to take out loans for tuition say their parents aren't helping them with college - while accepting rent and food money from them. I think it's an important distinction. You aren't on your own until you're totally on your own.