Invited to a Shrimp Boil and Told to Bring the Shrimp

[Sinder]

I think the OP was very wise to keep her mouth shut and just vent here. We can't litigate feelings and thoughts. Her family knows how she feels but probably appreciates that she keep silent and just go later. Compromise.

That isn't really what my post was about. Is the dh going? Is he bring the 8lbs of shrimp the OP didn't want to bring? If yes there is no compromise. He is going to see his family and bring what they asked, or according to the OP, demanded.
Her not going because it was game day didn't seem to be an issue with her husband, it was an issue for a few posters here.

 

[Judique]

That isn't really what my post was about. Is the dh going? Is he bring the 8lbs of shrimp the OP didn't want to bring? If yes there is no compromise. He is going to see his family and bring what they asked, or according to the OP, demanded.
Her not going because it was game day didn't seem to be an issue with her husband, it was an issue for a few posters here.

Going to edit what I quoted so as to keep my response relevant.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

While I do agree with the sentiment that the OP shouldn't have to just keep her mouth shut, what happens when a husband and wife disagree on family matters? Does the husband have to give in to the OP (who wasn't planning on going anyway) because she disagrees? A compromise- but why if she wasn't going anyway?
It is his family, and you are right it is their money (which OP said affording it wasn't an issue) so if she isn't going to see his family then he should be the one who makes the decision on what he brings.
Sometimes there are situations in marriages where spouses will disagree and there isn't a need for compromise. One spouse can "get their way" and IMHO it's when it is situations that deal with their family. And while I love my family that are dh's blood relatives, they are his blood and that means he gets the say in what he does for/with them if I disagree. That is of course meant in situations like this which aren't anything more than mere annoyances to one spouse, I am not talking about serious issues that arise within families.

And wow people jumping on the OP for not wanting to go because it's game day.
Where does it say one is required to accept every invite just because it's family?
She doesn't have to go, there is nothing wrong with her doing something she enjoys and if that means a football game then that is what it is.

At what point in a marriage do people stop considering it your family or my family (other than describing the relationships) and actually consider them our family? Of course some things really are best said to your own whomever but I think people were responding to the very black and white presentation of "not your family, butt out" thing because realistically in many marriages a lot of things become an our thing. Too much on one side or the other is a problem regardless.

 

[leeniewdw]

At what point in a marriage do people stop considering it your family or my family (other than describing the relationships) and actually consider them our family? Of course some things really are best said to your own whomever but I think people were responding to the very black and white presentation of "not your family, butt out" thing because realistically in many marriages a lot of things become an our thing. Too much on one side or the other is a problem regardless.

I think it clearly depends on the family dynamics/personality. I just know that I might be annoyed (and boy have I, and WE, been) with my In Laws, I'd never make a decision/communication that might make it harder/uncomfortable with my husband and his family. It's my goal not to be a topic of conversation if that's possible. And the same for him. I believe if the husband feels exactly the same way and wants to opt out, then they should.

Then again, I'm probably more tolerant of my S-I-L than my spouse. Also, we would NEVER be lake neighbors with her either. I can see that situation creating more opportunities for cooperation and spending time together. I don't see my siblings more than once a year (most years), so you take the bad with the good in getting to see them so often.

 

[Sinder]

At what point in a marriage do people stop considering it your family or my family (other than describing the relationships) and actually consider them our family? Of course some things really are best said to your own whomever but I think people were responding to the very black and white presentation of "not your family, butt out" thing because realistically in many marriages a lot of things become an our thing. Too much on one side or the other is a problem regardless.

I consider dh's family my family, in fact I am closer to them than I am my own. However when it comes to making decisions on things when we can't agree if it involves his blood relatives then he's most likely going to be the decision maker. Vice versa if it was my family. We are OK with that in our marriage, maybe for others even that is an issue.
I don't believe anyone should butt out, being married means you both get to have an opinion and speak your mind. That doesn't mean that at some times where agreements can't be made, or in the case of the OP IMO where they don't need to be (because the OP wasn't even going to the party) that one spouse doesn't end up as the decision maker in the situation. I agree that too much on one side or the other can be problematic, but there are times where "one side" is inevitable- like the OP's situation. (Being invited to a party and asked to bring something. One spouse isn't going but mad about what is being asked to bring. The other spouse is going and brings what is asked. Seems pretty one sided in this case, and I don't mean that in a negative way more like a logical way).

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think it clearly depends on the family dynamics/personality. I just know that I might be annoyed (and boy have I, and WE, been) with my In Laws, I'd never make a decision/communication that might make it harder/uncomfortable with my husband and his family. It's my goal not to be a topic of conversation if that's possible. And the same for him. I believe if the husband feels exactly the same way and wants to opt out, then they should.

Then again, I'm probably more tolerant of my S-I-L than my spouse. Also, we would NEVER be lake neighbors with her either. I can see that situation creating more opportunities for cooperation and spending time together. I don't see my siblings more than once a year (most years), so you take the bad with the good in getting to see them so often.

I completely appreciate your response. It def. depends on dynamics but at the same time I can be annoyed with my in-laws but yet they are still part of a family with me. They aren't just my husband's blood relatives. My family isn't just my blood relatives either. For better or worse we're all part of one big family (and sometimes that means this or that). To say otherwise is a completely different bedrock of a marriage and that probably sparked part of the comment the PP had (the italics comments). My question part was kinda a rhetorical question. Having it just be one side or the other is an issue IMO so it wouldn't just be that the OP says something but nor would it just be she never says anything on the basis of she's not an actual relative.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I consider dh's family my family, in fact I am closer to them than I am my own. However when it comes to making decisions on things when we can't agree if it involves his blood relatives then he's most likely going to be the decision maker. Vice versa if it was my family. We are OK with that in our marriage, maybe for others even that is an issue.
I don't believe anyone should butt out, being married means you both get to have an opinion and speak your mind. That doesn't mean that at some times where agreements can't be made, or in the case of the OP IMO where they don't need to be (because the OP wasn't even going to the party) that one spouse doesn't end up as the decision maker in the situation. I agree that too much on one side or the other can be problematic, but there are times where "one side" is inevitable- like the OP's situation. (Being invited to a party and asked to bring something. One spouse isn't going but mad about what is being asked to bring. The other spouse is going and brings what is asked. Seems pretty one sided in this case, and I don't mean that in a negative way more like a logical way).

Yeah like I said I think people were reacting to the more black and white situation presented of butting out.

TBH on the whole thing of the OP unilateral I sorta take it that the OP is probably the one that makes the stuff to be brought, probably is the one to purchase it too (could be wrong on that) normally, maybe the one that figures out the recipes, etc so maybe that's why they feel like their viewpoint here accounts for a lot. If the spouse isn't the one who has to put the effort in, you know that kind of that. All random assumptions but ones in which even outside of the OP's actual situation the decision making isn't black and white.

 

[AndreaA]

At what point in a marriage do people stop considering it your family or my family (other than describing the relationships) and actually consider them our family? Of course some things really are best said to your own whomever but I think people were responding to the very black and white presentation of "not your family, butt out" thing because realistically in many marriages a lot of things become an our thing. Too much on one side or the other is a problem regardless.

I think treating in-laws like one big extended family is great. However, it definitely doesn’t seem like that’s how the OP views it, at all, so all my posts are geared towards that. It seems, from very limited information, that she very much views the SIL as her husband’s family and not hers. In that case, if he wants to bring 8lbs of shrimp and see his family, then she should very much butt out and not act irritated about it. If my husband tried to make a big deal out of me bringing something expensive (but affordable) to my sister’s place for a shared meal which he wasn’t even planning to attend, I’d be rightfully irritated with HIM. Luckily we do view all relatives as “ours” so he’d never dream of doing such a thing.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think treating in-laws like one big extended family is great. However, it definitely doesn’t seem like that’s how the OP views it, at all, so all my posts are geared towards that. It seems, from very limited information, that she very much views the SIL as her husband’s family and not hers. In that case, if he wants to bring 8lbs of shrimp and see his family, then she should very much butt out and not act irritated about it. If my husband tried to make a big deal out of me bringing something expensive (but affordable) to my sister’s place for a shared meal which he wasn’t even planning to attend, I’d be rightfully irritated with HIM. Luckily we do view all relatives as “ours” so he’d never dream of doing such a thing.

I didn't get this impression from your posts about what I underlined, I think that's why you got the reaction you did.

 

[Brett Wyman]

Hosts handle main dish. End of story.

 

[AndreaA]

I didn't get this impression from your posts about what I underlined, I think that's why you got the reaction you did.

None of the reactions bothered me, so... However, my own relationship with my extended relatives isn’t really at issue here - I was going along with what the OP gave as an impression of her relationship with hers. If she was actually close with them then buying 8lbs of shrimp wouldn’t bother her enough to post about it, especially if it didn’t bother her husband.

 

[Princessclab]

Why would she get to make the decision if they obviously have the money and her husband - and actual relative of the host - doesn’t mind? I think that’s the part that’s really stumping me. It’s NOT HER DECISION TO MAKE or her place to be irritated about it. This is her husband’s family, and if he’s okay with it, then she needs to butt out.

Yikes! Nope.

 

[Princessclab]

I agree that things should be agreed together, but multiple people, including the one I quoted, seem to think the OP (wife) should be able to unilaterally decide NOT to do XYZ. Basically, if decisions have to be made, and both partners want different things, then the one with more at stake or more feelings about it is the one who gets the last say. In this instance, and given we aren’t talking about huge sums of money, that would be the blood relative.

Frankly I think this whole thing is incredibly petty. “We have to buy too much shrimp.” “My SIL makes tacky shirts I don’t like and she gets my size wrong.” ”I brought the GOOD dessert last time.”

My husband has a large family. They often converge on our home because it’s the largest. I don’t quibble over having to host AND pay. I wouldn’t dream of basically insulting my extended family on the internet because I thought I was paying more than my fair share. I sure as HECK wouldn’t mock a gift, given in the spirit of fun. In fact, despite being more of an introvert, I invariably end up enjoying myself. Sheeeeeesh. The OP has grown kids but it seems like she’s the one who needs to grow up.

Again, yikes!
I think you missed the point or have a different type of relationship in your marriage. No reason to yell at OP.